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Two years. It is going to be two years, today, when it all happened. It has been two years since Ankit left us. Those terrible moments are etched in our minds forever, like a bad dream. Our worst nightmare. We don’t want to re-live those moments but we can’t forget them either. They are an integral part of us now. In fact, those moments define us now. What we are and what we aren’t. We wish we had a time machine, somehow or the other we could turn the hands of the clock back. We pray and hope, as my wife does, that Ankit will come back. We do whatever we can. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that help. The hope, the wishes, the prayers… And nothing helps. Nothing, whatsoever.

We are still trying to make sense out of it. It has such a profound effect on us, instilled so much fear in us that we have still not gathered courage to call one of our distant relatives who also lost their only son under such tragic circumstances. As much as we wish, we haven’t been able to pick up the phone, call them and offer our condolences. The very thought of calling them makes my wife hysterical. The trauma is unimaginable.  Those moments have taken their toll on the lives of us all.

Ankit in his Benz

The moments which changed our lives forever…… The moments we will never come to terms with. The moments gone by. You can’t live in moments gone by, but you can’t live without them either.

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Time goes on. You don’t need anybody to tell you that. That’s a reality of life as Death is. Only that, the devastation, the void that death leaves behind is humongous. You survive the pain. You survive the sorrow. You live to see another day as well. But the toll it takes is beyond description, beyond imagination. For some, every single moment, every single day, is an excruciating journey to that inevitable end you wish happens sooner than later. For others, it is their fate, their destiny, God’s will.

I believe, at the end of the day, it has nothing to do with fate, destiny, or will of the God. It is simply that you need answers to questions for which there are no answers. Why it happened? How can it happen to me? How do I live now? Why me of all people? And as there are no logical answers, we resign ourselves to fate, destiny or God’s will.

As time goes on, you learn to live with those questions. But the search for answers continues. Only that a sense of resignation sets in. A sense of helplessness.

Time goes on. And, it does heal everything. Almost everything. The only thing it doesn’t heal is the hole in the heart, the void.

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There are moments when it feels like nothing ever happened. I see Ankit. I feel him as well. I stretch my hand and my fingers touch him. The sensation, the touch, the feeling. Yeah, I know, it is Ankit. I hear his voice. I talk to him too. Only that it is just me, talking. I don’t hear him speak. And I realize, it is not the same anymore.

These are just the feelings. Precious feelings. Feelings, we live every single moment, everyday. Feelings, which make us believe Ankit is right here. And yes, He is. In Our Hearts.

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It is a long, painful journey. There is no end in sight, because there is none. But, why would I ever embark on such a journey in the first place? I wish I had a say in that. I wish somebody had asked me for my permission. I wish I had the power to do what I wanted. Wishes. They are just that…. wishes. Nothing more, nothing less.

It hurts to find out how helpless you are. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, in the world that you can do which can help. It hurts deep inside. It is painful, but you learn to live with it. The pain becomes an integral part of your life. The hollowness inside kills you every single moment. And there is no end, no escape, because there is none.

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